I’ve basically been MIA since about December for the silliest of reasons – fear. I posted about this on my social media accounts a couple of weeks ago, but basically, life wasn’t exactly what Nathan and I had imagined or planned throughout this four month time period and I was afraid to share that. Silly, right? I believe that social media should be a platform for people to share, yes, the great things in life, but also the crappy moments, sad moments and straight up, real life, every day moments. But I wasn’t allowing myself to share those moments where life just wasn’t living up to all those dreams we thought up in our nearly five years together and I think in my not sharing, it has kept others in similar positions feeling alone and just as fearful that their lives aren’t living up to the seemingly perfect lives of others. So, I decided a life update on the past four months and our current goings on was a must before diving into the newness I’m bringing to the blog soon! Read, call me silly, let me relate to you and know that no matter what, the Lord has amazing plans for your life! They may not be the exact plans you’ve dreamt up and they may not happen exactly when you deem them appropriate, but they are GREAT plans and they are greater than anything we could ever imagine.
The month of December was such a hopeful month for us. Nathan was graduating early, we were praying/hopeful we would be able to move back to Texas from Arkansas and we were so sure he would find the perfect job before we even left! We even explored the possibility of staying in Arkansas for a potential job of N’s, but ended up not feeling like that is where the Lord was leading us.
Knowing that our time in Arkadlephia was coming to an end was bittersweet for us both – Nathan because he had spent the past three and a half years growing and learning there, while for me it was mostly because it was where Nathan and I truly got to experience marriage for the first time. We spent four months a state away from our family, learning how to be totally alone with each other. We had to navigate our insecurities colliding at the same times, sleeping in too small of a bed which resulted in (his) elbows in (my) face and my being truly away from my incredibly tight knit family for the first time in my life. We had to learn to lean on each other when we felt we had nothing left to give – in the times of great joy and deep feelings of inadequacy we. I had to learn how to allow Nathan to lead me and pray over me and share in my ridiculously ridiculous burdens. Being in Arkadelphia was H A R D, but it was also so much fun just getting to learn how to love each other and figure out marriage with the only other person our marriage it truly matters to – my husband.
We left the dirty ‘delf (and our straight up janky apartment which will get it’s own post soon!) right before Christmas and made the hard decision to move back into my families home since neither of us had been able to find the jobs we were desiring. Luckily for us, my family was happy to have us back and willing to put up with us for as long as we needed. We got to spend our first married Christmas with all of our family and enjoy ringing in the new year!
JANUARY & FEBRUARY
We went into the month of January with more hope than December, but that hope started to dwindle nearing February. We started to figure out that nobody, churches in particular, is looking to hire at the beginning of the year. That was a hard pill for us to swallow. Even while dating and engaged, fighting just wasn’t something Nathan and I did. Sure, we disagreed on things and there were times where we had to take a step back and think things through on our own before we worked it out together. Throughout those two months, we didn’t fight, but we really struggled with not allowing our current situation to hinder in our communication. I would allow myself to become so overwhelmed with anxiety and fear, to the point where it took a couple of breakdowns to be truly honest with Nathan and for us to be truly honest with ourselves.
That was a hard time for us, but we soon found that even in the midst of a seemingly hopeless time, the Lord provided. Nathan was able to work on a project with the same company as his brother, which was such a financial blessing, but also led to more time they got to spend with each other! By mid February, we had both found jobs – Nathan is leading worship at a church for their Wednesday youth and waiting tables at a local restaurant, while I began nannying again.
Honestly, it was so difficult to be okay with Nathan not working the type of job he felt the Lord has called him to and has been working towards… I hated the thought of it and so badly wanted (and still want) him to do the work he’s been called to. But, I couldn’t be more thankful for the fact that he is willing to do something neither of us anticipated in order to provide a life for us. He’s the most wonderful ever and I love him more than anything in this whole world…
MARCH & APRIL
In March, we got to experience the Lord moving and making things a little more clear to us. We found an apartment we loved and shortly after that, Nathan got involved with worship in a church only 10 minutes away from that apartment we fell so in love with! It wasn’t until mid April that we could move into our apartment, but as soon as we were in, it felt like the most perfect home (post on our home coming soon!)!!
While there are still many moving pieces and we still have little to no idea what/where the Lord is leading us, we are so thankful. Living at home for nearly four months was H A R D and the embarrassment that arose in that time was difficult to stifle, but it is now so easy to see God’s provision. Every single time we’ve questioned how we would be able to do something, whether it be financial or timing, God provided an opportunity to make extra money or allowed for an opening in our schedules. Decorating is something I love, but haven’t wanted to spend much money on – guess what? He’s provided a way for me to be able to get some amazing things without spending money! Y’all, God has gone above and beyond in providing even the smallest, most insignificant desires of our hearts!
If there is anything I have learned over the past few months, it’s that He will always provide. Even when we don’t expect it or feel deserving of it. And I’m learning that in those times of provision, He makes those plans He mentioned in Jeremiah 29 verse 11, and the steps needed to get there, a little more clear.
So, there you have the last four months of our life! My reasoning for going AWOL may not make a whole lot of sense to you, or it may feel like we’ve lived similar lives the past few months – whatever it is, I hope you come away knowing that not everybodies lives are as happy or perfect as they are portrayed on social media. We’re all human and life straight up sucks sometimes. Allow yourself some transparency in life and know that ya girl over here is struggilin’ right along with you!
p.s – i have the best husband ever. and i love him so freakin’ much❤️❤️❤️